Day Fifteen: August 1
Breakfast:
- 1 banana (100 calories, 0.5 fat, 0 added sugar)
- 1 tbsp peanut butter (100 calories, 7.5 fat, 1 sugar)
Lunch
- 1 yogurt (80 calories)
- 1 cup Special K (120 calories, 0.5 fat, 4 sugar)
- 1/4 cup walnuts (200 calories, 20 fat, 1 sugar)
Dinner- 1 salad with gouda cheese (100 calories, 8 fat, 0.5 sugar), Italian dressing (130 calories, 1 sugar), croutons (35 calories, 1.5 fat, 1 sugar) (TOTAL: 265 calories, 9.5 fat, 2.5 sugar)
- 3 oz filet mignon (185 calories, 9 fat)
Snack- 1/4 cup ice cream (100 calories, 4 fat, 5 sugar)
Exercise: 500 calories burned on elliptical
Total: 1150 calories, 51 fat, 13.5 sugar
Well, I binged tonight (last night - I'm writing this on the morning of the 2nd). I think I ate about 1000 calories within a half hour.
I determined that I think it's not just a random, sporadic problem that I have; bingeing at night has become a habit that makes me feel calm before I go to bed. It's familiar, and in that way, it's soothing. When everything around me is changing, it's one thing about myself that I know will stay the same - I know that I have a really difficult time stopping this trend, so it's something stable about myself that my mind assumes will always stay the same.
So it's at this point that I need to recognize what happened; accept it; understand why I did it; and move on.
What happened: I had trouble falling asleep. I was worried about the emails I had received from work on Friday, and was afraid that my boss's perception of my work was slowly but surely slipping down the drain. I was worried that my foot won't heal in time for the start of the volleyball season, and that I won't be able to stay on the team and will therefore not get the exercise and team benefits. I'm worried about making friends on my team; I don't want to be the awkward newbie anymore, I want to be confident.
But most of all, I was thinking of awkward, semi-"romantic" encounters I've had in the past that have led to disappointment, the loss of friends, and a diminished respect for myself. Since I don't know who could be reading this, I won't go into too much detail, but let's just say I've done a few things with guys that I regret, that make me wince whenever I think of them for whatever reason: whether I regret coming across as desperate, or regret leading someone on, or regret not being straightforward with the way I'm feeling.
So, I decided TV and food was in order. "I'm hungry," I reasoned; "That's a good enough excuse. And I can have one little snack, since I was so good today."
Accept it and understand why it happened: There was a lot on my mind; so much, that I was scared to write it down or think it through completely. The task seemed like it would be too much at that point.
Move on and learn: I know that getting into one of these moods is not helped by a binge; it only leads to more guilt and confusion. I know that writing down what I'm feeling first, before doing anything else, is what helps me sort through things and get to sleep at night. I know what I need to do: I keep a pen and notebook on the desk next to my bed for that reason. So the next time I discover that I can't sleep, and my mind starts going in the direction of the kitchen, I will sit up in bed and turn on the light. I will meditate for a few minutes; listen to my breathing and really feel the way my body is feeling. I can trust myself to do this. A part of me doubts that I'll be able to keep this promise, but there is stronger piece of me that knows I can.
And of course, even though I came in late to work this morning, I've accomplished all that I need to so far (except for calling someone to schedule an interview, which I'm a little nervous about - shouldn't be, she's a very nice lady). I got my grade for this internship already - it's an A, so at this point I don't even have to worry about submitting weekly reports anymore, and there are only 2 weeks left.
Physically, my stomach is killing me. It hurts - feels like knives are stabbing it from the inside.
